Still waiting for new layout. ^_^
By the way.. know why I don't write anything about my birthday? Well, because so far, it's just like any other day except I receive greetings from all directions of course. Nothing special, except it's just another year in my life. I'm not disappointed, really. I don't really have time to be disappointed, since I've got enough problems to deal with as it is.
Perhaps it's just my angst mood. I've been pretty depressed lately, adjusting to new environment and all. I'm just gonna be honest, I don't deal with big changes well. So it kinda stressed me out the first month of university. Things had started to become better though. In fact, today I felt really great. I was even able to do a speech in front of the class without feeling as scared as I thought I would feel. I've always imagined it as very intimidating, but when I actually had to do it.. I just did it. Like all too easy. I was amazed myself. There was like there's a splash of confidence washing over me coming out of nowhere. And some of my new friends in fact got interested in what I had to tell them and approached me on break time to discuss it with me. For the first time in weeks I feel acknowledged and appreciated and.. well, accepted. Like finally I fit in.
Anyway. That matter taken care of, my mind drifts back to my birthday. When I was watching Madagascar today and I saw the celebration of Marty's birthday, suddenly I feel this twinge of disappointment in my heart. I don't know why. It's not like I've never had a birthday without a party before. I had tons of them. In fact I prefer no party, just a simple lunch with my friends or whatnot would do. So really I don't know what makes me disappointed (later). It just.. lacks the excitement. Like everyone only greeted me happy birthday for the sake of it.. and then that's that. Not that I expect presents, don't get me wrong, I just feel like no one *really* cared that much. All my friends are already busy with their own stuffs and we could hardly meet one another anymore. One was even out of town on that very day. Not that I blame her for that. But she could've told me beforehand. I was feeling all down and not wanting even to go out with them that day, but when my mood suddenly brightened and I decided hey, let's not miss it and just have lunch with them anyway, well.. I guess I was too late. Well, I guess the day is just meant to be.. normal.
And what else makes me feel that people don't actually *care* that much is because.. well, none of my friends even asked me whether I want to celebrate it or not. Or ask me to go out and treat them. Why yes I would of course do that.. but none even bothered to ask until days later. And everyone else always gets a cake. It's like a tradition in my circle of friends. Even a small one. Even just one piece. One of us always prepare them for the birthday girl. As far as I can remember, I've had none. None of my friends had even bothered to prepare even a small cake for me. Don't get me wrong, it's not *the cake* that matters. I could buy it on my own. It's just the feeling of being loved that comes with it that I want. I even went so low and dared to ask for it straightforwardly (which is so not myself, getting so low and not feeling ashamed at all like that, besides, I want them to give, not *being asked* to give) a few days before. But even then, it still doesn't work. I still got nothing. It seems like no one loves me enough to bother preparing a small piece of cake for me. But they did it to one another. Sigh, perhaps this is because I've never been the one that gave the cake to the birthday girl. I truly and understandably deserve it. I mean, I never did that to them either. How could I dare to expect them to do it for me?
Now I don't want any of my friends reading this to suddenly give me a cake JUST because they read this entry. I do not want the pity. I want the sincere feeling of love and care. So please don't do it if you never intended to do it in the first place, and suddenly changed your mind just because of the entry. I would hate it even more.
Wow. How desperate this entry sound. I guess ever since me and my chat friends (the Halliwells) started watching Desperate Housewives together that night, we really became desperate. I mean, look at Drew's blog. XD The entries are really angsty and depressed. And now mine is too. Oh well, I guess let's look at the bright side, it will match my soon-to-be layout.
